thoughts written by Patti Dienhoffer

First things first, I am single; I have been single for the better part of four years. But please, hear me out, before you dismiss me all together. I have the one thing that most of you don’t have right now- perspective. Many of you are not going to like what I have to say. Many of you are going to get pissed off. The truth often has a tendency to do that. Working 10 years in a hair salon I have definitely done the research, one could argue that I have an ABD (All but dissertation) in human relationship psychology.

 That was meant to be funny! Before any of you with degrees in psychology start in on me, I 100% do not discredit you, your education or all your hard work. I am a Female, a Massage Therapist with a background in Law Enforcement and a degree in sociology, While I do not claim to be an expert by any means I have lived life, I have a wide variety of friends who have also lived life and I have been listening to and observing relationship drama for the better part of my life.

Let’s except the fact that all relationships ebb and flow, you are going to have happy times and boring times, you are going to fight from time to time. There are going to be days when you look at your partner and think, “that man/woman just pisses me off” but you know deep in your soul that you love them and wouldn’t want to loose them for the world. I do consider these to be healthy relationship feelings, no other person is as ‘perfect as you are,’ therefore it is just unrealistic to think you will be happy with that other person ALL of the time.

I am talking about relationships were there are more bad days then good, more fighting then making up (or fights just so you can “make up”). I am talking about relationships with power struggles, name-calling, disrespect and even cheating. WE ALL KNOW THESE RELATIONSHIPS. We all know that one couple; we often roll our eyes about, or even discuss how bad they need to break up behind their backs. But what we are really doing is asking ourselves that underlining question, why are they still together?

A lot of relationships often get stale, people get so used to the day in and day out rat race of life that they just become roommates. But, I also have had conversations with women who will look right at me (often in front of their significant other) and say things like “this Fucking Guy, you know how stupid this fucking guy is…” and I think to myself, well he must be pretty stupid if he allows her to talk about him like that especially in public (BTW- she shouldn’t be talking like that in privet either). I have heard stories about women who feel that it is perfectly acceptable for them to hit, smack, or even throw things at the men in their lives but if he so much as raises his voice in an argument that same woman claims that HE is scary and abusive (nope you are sister – he might also be, but you definitely are). I know couples that are together all while knowing that their significant other, has, is, and will cheat anytime/every-time given the chance. I don’t and will never understand cheating. I know people who stay together; all the while they know that they are just MR/MISS right now and the other person is actively looking for someone who has more money, or a better opportunity. Handsome, she is a gold-digger stop allowing this behavior!!!!

Worst of all I know couples who have more then one of these traits, yet they stay together.

All I can do is sit back, in my house: that I own, where I live alone, and I think to myself, what am I missing…

***This is not to say that if you are being abused, manipulated or controlled you should stay and “work on things” if you are being abused in anyway, please get yourself some help and remove yourself from this dangerous situation. Sadly I am all to familiar with what can happen when someone stays in an abusive situation. Again, please seek out help. ***

Lets talk about people in dating relationships. First and foremost STOP RUSHING THINGS!!!!

Ladies, be aware that the first three months after meeting a guy he is 100% doing anything and everything he can just to get you to like him! This is why you are smitten! This is why you “have never meet anyone like him before.” This is why you “have so much in common”.  This is why you believe in your soul that you guys “are soul mates” that “you are the perfect couple” this is why you just “know he’s the one”. Girl, believe me! In this three month time period, no matter what he has said, he has not even fully considered if he even likes you! Men don’t think like we do, they need to win the prize before they decide if they even want to play the game!!!! It’s this next phase the 3-6 month period, now that he knows you’re in, that’s when he will decide if he even likes having you around. This is why in the 3-6 month period you start to feel like “he’s changed”, “he’s different”, “he’s becoming distant”, and my favorite “he’s such a narcissist”. Can we just stop throwing this word around?! I mean seriously, STOP giving a diagnosis that justifies shitty behavior!! There absolutely are Narcissists and to some degree we all can demonstrate narcissistic traits – but saying that “he’s such a narcissist” just gave him the excuse, basically that he can’t help it, so just stop using it on everyone! I mean he could vary well be, but he could also just not like catering to your every whim like he did the first 3 months. It’s really to soon to tell.

He has changed, he is different, and he might even have become distant because he is figuring things out, he maybe deciding that actually he’s just not that into you. It’s important to say that if someone decides that the other person isn’t right for them it is reflection of their needs not anything about you!

So, right, SLOW DOWN!! stop moving in or trying to move in or trying to get them to move in!!! You are still strangers and honestly once residency is established things get a lot more complicated. So if someone is making a move towards moving in together within this 1-6 month window it’s a huge RED FLAG!!!! No, it is a RED BANNER!!! It is a RED JET PLAIN WRITING “RED FLAG” IN THE SKY WITH RED SMOKE. I don’t care how perfect they are!!! If they are perfect, if they are the one, if this IS destiny, well then it will still be perfect in a year (or more!) from now. Most of the time this is someone who is “homeless” (riding couches) jumping relationship to relationship because they feel it is their partners duty to provide. And, it is BOTH partners duty to “provide” but my friend, you haven’t been together long enough to really be partners. And you better just start the paperwork for eviction right now, that way you wont have to deal with the 30days that will be coming down the pike if they refuse to leave when you want out.

OK, lets say you made it past the six months, you’re 6 months + true selves are starting to show, and you are thinking this might not be the right fit for you. You’re not happy most of the time. The its harder work then it is fun. You find yourself behaving out of character or you are doing more things that fill their cup then you are doing that fills your own. Maybe you’re feeling like you don’t have the freedom to do the things that you enjoy. Maybe you are constantly given ultimatums, or you feel like you’re being manipulated. You might even be questioning your own sanity. I personally was in a situation where I was constantly questioning my sanity, things would happen, behaviors would be displayed or conversations took place that left me asking myself “what just happened?” “did that just happen?” or my most favorite “wait, what?”

• It’s time to have that hard conversation

The reason it’s called a hard conversation is because it’s HARD. DUDE, IT’S HARD!! We all need to get used to having hard conversations! The best communications can come from hard conversations, and they will stop being so hard if we start having them more often. So many people stay in bad relationships because they are inept at having hard conversations. They basically stay hoping that the other person will decide to leave on their own.

• The terror of being alone

It isn’t easy being alone, the dating world these days is a nightmare, and is predominantly made up of game playing, and dishonesty. It isn’t easy to navigate especially if you are leaving a bad relationship. It will be lonely, it will be hard and when things don’t go your way you can’t easily cast off blame to another person. There will be a lot of nights and weekends spent by yourself, with no plans. For some, they would much rather be unhappy then on their own. (Suck it up, get a pet and do the hard thing… you will thank me later) It’s so much better to be happy alone then miserable in a relationship.

• Toxic is all they know

Sad but true, we live in a toxic world. More and more people have been raised in and exposed to toxic relationships for most of their lives. They aren’t happy but they don’t know any other way. They almost thrive in chaos.  To be clear, no one actually “thrives in chaos” they just don’t know anything different, these people will also get ‘tripped up’ when the experience something healthy. For most of these people, the few times they have experienced a healthy person or relationship they are highly suspicious. In their past when someone has shown care or concern it was because they were playing an angle. This person has been conditioned to question and distrust anyone who is truly healthy or a good person.

• They don’t feel that they deserve better.

A man once said to me, “I don’t blame a woman who is getting up there in age, 36, 37 or older. If she attaches herself to a man who is not necessarily on her level, but he has a lot of money and he can take care of her.” (WAIT, WHAT?) Some people have been conditioned time and time again, relationship after relationship that they have nothing to bring to the table other then the table itself. That they should feel lucky to be “allowed” to provide for this ”amazing” woman. For me this is the hardest one to wrap my head around.  When. How. Where did things go so bad for this person that they believe all they have to offer is money. When this is the case they are always on their toes because there is ALWAYS someone out there who makes more, has more and can give more. They know that this woman will stay only for as long as you are fulfilling their wants, but as soon as she finds someone who is willing to give her more she will be gone. He has not spent the time or done the work to see his own worth or raise his standers to find someone worthy to receive all he has to offer. And. Eventually. She. Will. Leave.  

One of the hardest things I do, time and time again, is sit and listen to these stories. Knowing that there isn’t much I can do, I believe that before you find love you have to love yourself. Like really love yourself, you have to be OK being alone, enjoy your own company. You have to understand that you are enough. That you can make yourself happy and that another person will never fill that void. Until then, you will never raise your standards and expectations. And until you raise your standards you will settle… you will stay even when you’re not happy.   

It’s time to have that hard conversation