Ok ladies, lets have some much needed real talk. This usually means I’m about to piss a few of you off. Good, It is my intention to ruffle a little feathers! Frankly Y’all have been ruffling mine for some time. Here’s the deal about ALL of you out here claiming- in fact shouting from the roof tops about how you’re a strong and independent woman and that you don’t need a man, and you can do it all by yourself. Girl, You’re not and you can’t! If you were, you wouldn’t have to tell anyone that you are!!!!! Secondly, you’re not and you don’t want to be, what you want to be (most of the time) is an asshole. That’s it, a lot of you self proclaimed “Independent Women” are really just selfish, self centered, Assholes!! YES I SAID IT, what men think yet no man will say out loud. It turns out that with out a man in your life you are in fact dumb and frankly worthless. Not dumb in the sense that you don’t know anything, many if not most of you are very well educated and thrive in your careers. In that respect, I appreciate you and respect you.
But sis, we need to fix this. It’s going to be uncomfortable for some of you but that IS the point. You need to get comfortable living in the uncomfortable. You know when you’re alone, and you’re sad, lonely, bored, not sure what to do next? When you start to get anxious about the direction you life is going and your mind starts to spin out? It’s probably when you run to your phone, doom scroll through social media, sign up for a dating app (again) or you start calling up your girlfriends in need of a girls night filled with complaining and man bashing? Don’t! Stay off your phone for a bit! Stay in that place!! resist your phone, forget those apps and social media and for gods sake leave your girlfriends alone. Your happiness is no ones responsibility but your own!!!! The key is to stay in that present, feel what you’re feeling, write it down if you want to. Cry if you must!!!! I cry all the time, when I’m alone, when I’m driving, when I’m happy, when I’m proud. I cry when I am competing, when I’m running – Girl, I cry when I’m watching the Crossfit Games- those athletes are amazing!! I’m starting to cry right now just thinking about how much I cry. It’s healthy to cry, yes it may make other people uncomfortable, who cares! That’s a them problem. As you sift through these emotions you will start to become more confident. What you don’t need to be doing is bouncing them off someone else who doesn’t know your life or have your life experiences. Sometimes, your best girlfriend is not the best person to process this with, sometimes a therapist isn’t the best person to talk to about this (that’s another topic we won’t dive into today) but what I am saying is that only you can walk into this storm and only you can get you to the other side of it. And, it will absolutely be a storm.
Recently I have been approached by a number of (independent) woman who want to travel with me, they want more adventure and since I like to travel and they like to travel they believe that it would be great if we planned a trip together OR (even better) they just jump onto a trip that I am already planing. STOP DOING THIS!!! I love to travel alone. I honest to god love it, I love it because I don’t have to answer to anyone else. I love it because I know myself, I know my flaws and I know my strengths. Like we are defiantly going to spare no expense eating seafood and trying local cuisine, we are also just as likely to get lost, off track and possibly come across scary local wild animals (it happens). But what I can guarantee when I’m alone, I won’t have to pay for you because you don’t know what things today cost or worse because your cheep. I won’t have to deal with the fact that you can’t copilot (or don’t seem to understand how roads work) and I won’t have to listen to you obnoxiously laugh at yourself because you think that you’re being cute (and your not).
I would possibly be down to meeting up with you while on a trip but you need to get yourself there have your own place to stay and transportation. Seriously and all complete blatant honesty – if you have not traveled anywhere in a while, or at least not since you have become single, more so if you have never traveled alone ever. And, I mean, have never researched a location, have never booked a flight, a hotel/room/house. If you have never had to figure your shit out then No, no we should not vacation together. That sounds terrible!!! Here is the deal ladies (and I’m sorry this is about to get a little crude) you are Not THAT cute!!! Your constant dumb comments followed by laughter, your inability to have forethought or the simple understanding how time and/or roads work; it’s NOT cute. When you’re in a restaurant that you have never been to, read the menu!! Ask questions so that you can make an informed decision and enjoy your meal. What you should never do is order food and then pout about it when it comes to the table and its not what you want. This is absolutely not cute. Your lack of knowledge and refusal to ask for clarification is not “confusing” it’s ignorance and it’s annoying. Yes! YOU, you are annoying! You are annoying to everyone! You’re annoying to your date, to your friends, your family, the waiter, the guy filling your water glass, and you’re even annoying to the tables around you! Get a grip on your life and just stop!! That’s the honest truth, but the other side of this is; guys, will tolerate how annoying you are BECAUSE they want to have sex with you!! that’s all they are thinking about when you are annoying, aka most of the time.
To sum this up… I, am not that guy. I, am not a guy at all, I am straight and therefore there is no underlying incentive to tolerating your idiotic and annoying behavior. This does not mean that we can’t be friends, we can be, and I am that friend who will show up for you every time I can, I will cheer for your wins and I will stand by you in your falls. BUT, I will also keep my distance from you, I will protect my peace and I will give myself the space I need to grow and flourish.
I can help. I know that this entire post seems like I’m just sitting here bitching, and I’m self aware enough to say that I am. However, sometimes you do need someone to be honest with you so that you can see the truth. I’m not just here to bitch I’m here to offer help. The solution is simple, notice I didn’t say easy. Life is not easy, it’s not supposed to be, no one ever said it would be (if they did, they lied and I’m sorry that happened to you)
The Solution:
Go out there and do the things, do all the things, ALONE!! It will be a little scary, it will feel lonely, it will feel boring. You need to move through these feelings, you need to feel them, you need to feel the sadness, you need to cry and you need to feel the anger. I’m not saying book that trip to Argentina today and jump!! But, I am suggesting taking yourself out to dinner. Put on a cute outfit, do your hair and make up, feel pretty!! Then take yourself out to dinner. But, I’m not talking about Panera or Chipotle!! Take yourself on a date, go to your favorite sit down restaurant, sit at a table (not at the bar). It is going to feel weird, it might feel uncomfortable, you might feel like people are looking at you (they are, you look amazing!!) you might wonder what people are thinking. Stop caring about what other people think of you!! Honestly, its more likely than not that they aren’t thinking about YOU at all. A good idea, in the beginning, is to bring a book. Bring a book so that you can focus on that rather than the people around you. Try not to use social media, at least while you’re there, sit with yourself!! Feel your feelings, and enjoy your company. Think about it, if you can’t stand to hangout with yourself then why would anyone else want to?’
If dinner is a hard place to start then take yourself to a movie, who cares if you’re alone at a movie. You shouldn’t be talking to anyone there anyway. Hopefully the more quality time you spend with yourself, the more you will start to enjoy being alone. If you find that you don’t like yourself, what you’re doing or what you’re thinking about when you’re alone; then change those things about yourself. Girls, the more you start to love your own company the more it won’t matter if you have to “go alone”, but also the more you will start being selective about who you spend your time with. Who you spend your time with is so crucial.
You are a reflection of the people you spend your time with, so start spending your time with better quality people. You may need to shrink your friend group in order to make room for the right people. Easiest way to gauge if you are spending your time with the right people is, and this will seem a little harsh; if you keep finding yourself in rooms where you are the best person in the room… it’s time to find a new room!!
If you read my blogs often or even have conversations with me, you will pick up on the theme that we all need to be striving to become our best selves. That means you need to hang out with people who are doing better than you!! BUT if you are in a place where you can’t seen to find those people then stay alone while you look!!! Work on yourself, join a gym that values hard work, go to that weekly running group or spin class. Join the local “young professionals” lunch group… actively put yourself in proximity to the people you strive to be like!! Realize however, these groups will not accept a leach. There is a level of expectation here and that’s not unrealistic. These people are more successful than you they don’t necessarily “need” you. You will need to earn your space among them. Keep growing and working until you have something to offer. In all successful relationships you need to have a value exchange, in other words what are you bring something to the table. Being “cute” just isn’t enough anymore, it’s time. STEP UP!