thoughts written by Patti Dienhoffer

We have all been there: Girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, boy disappears, and girl is left wondering WHAT JUST HAPPENED. The one thing we all do know is…

They always come back.

I would like to preface this by saying they don’t always come back. Lady, my best advice I can give you is to feel it! Feel the pain (as hard as it is) grieve the loss, and be kind to yourself, sis, this is not your fault! A broken heart is a painful thing to heal, but healing is what you need to do! Lets remember that if nothing more your heart is a muscle and muscles need to be broken down so that they can grow stronger. It is always best to just focus on you, take time to heal, and grow from the relationship. There was a lesson for you to learn here, so learn it lady!!

(She said annoyingly but with great love).

What you should not do is follow your friend’s advice or even what might seem like a gut instinct, and jump back out there right away. Jumping into another relationship just to “forget” your previous one is simply transference. Transferring your feelings from one person to the next truly will just prolong your healing, it’s also very toxic behavior and honestly it’s unfair to the both of you.

Consider these 5 things when they do come back into your life.

1) What was your initial gut response when he reached out?

Girl, please, never disregard your gut instinct! We have evolved with these fight or flight instincts for a reason. We might not be running away from the saber tooth tigers anymore but those instincts are still embedded inside all of us, USE THEM! It’s not lost on me that for women this can be difficult. Most girls are raised to be nice before being honest especially if it means your feelings might disappoint someone. Your body responds to vibes, those feelings you are feeling, they are meant to guide you. 

2) What was your relationship actually like when you were together?

Was this a pretty good relationship when you were together but you are in separation because of something outside your control? Now it’s no longer an obstacle? Did you feel like you were supported, encouraged and you were free to grow? Remember sis, relationships are partnerships, and the two of you should be able to except each other for who you are. You should be a support system for one another. Not to solve each other’s problems or save each other, but to be there for the other person while they solve their own problems. You should be building, growing both individually and as a couple. Control on either side of a relationship is toxic and destructive. If you ever felt like you were being controlled or manipulated into acting/behaving/thinking a certain way then you need to stay away. Because lady, no one who truly cares for you will ever need to have power over you.

3) How did you feel about yourself when you were together?

Were you comfortable in your skin when you were with him, or did you feel like you were playing a role of the girlfriend you thought he wanted you to be?  You should always be able to be your authentic self. Were you confident in yourself and your choices or did you always feel like you needed approval? Sis it is so important that you are confident in your choices. That is how you become independent. Oh Hun, you will fail, but GOOD! Each failure brings you one step closer to success!! So fail away, and be confident that you will grow from those decisions. You see a relationship should be a safe space. Were you able to be silly, playful and tease each other when the opportunity arises? But it comes from a place of love or did it come from a place judgment and ridicule? Understand that it’s not going to be all cupcakes and sprinkles; you are going to disagree and argue. There will be days that you may not like each other very much but should always have MUTUAL RESPECT, ALWAYS! Neither partner should be demonizing the other; derogatory words should be minimal (preferably nonexistent). YOU SHOULD NEVER BE MADE TO FEEL SMALL!

4) Has he grown or changed since you last saw him?

I know that this one is going to bother some of you. It has been drilled in your head forever,  “people don’t change”. Here’s the thing though! People can and absolutely do change (everyday people change)- more importantly they will only change if they want to. People will not change for YOU, they will not change because ‘you’ want them to, and people will not change because other people think they should. Demands, ultimatums interventions, none of that will work. People may “try” to change for other people, they may even tell the people they care about that they will change – but they wont. It is impossible to change until you value that change, they will be able to change when they need that change for themselves; people will change when they define themselves differently. Seriously girl, people do change all the time, people educate themselves, they learn and they grow. I like to refer to this growth as leveling up or setting a new standard. When people take time to work on them selves, read self-development books, go to seminars, they begin to open up, they begin to level up. Once someone begins to define himself or herself differently they will in fact change.

5) Does his lifestyle align with yours?

This one often is goes along with growth. After an extended separation you just may not be the same people you once were. But this goes both ways, I do believe in right person wrong time, for two people to be in a successful relationship they need to be on the same path. Maybe the last time you were in contact you two just weren’t heading in the same direction. Maybe something changed during that time apart and now the two of you are on track. On the other side of that is completely the opposite. Maybe, when you were together before you seemed perfect for each other, heading in the same direction. Often if one person works on self-development and the other doesn’t, the two of you will no longer be on the same path. It doesn’t have to be sought out self-development either, sometimes people just want better for themselves and others are happy to stay where they are in life, neither one is wrong! It just is. When two peoples lifestyles aren’t in align it eventually will lead to conflict, resentment, and feelings of isolation or even being held back from your goals. Sis, I beg you, don’t let anything hold you back from your goals!!! As I said previously relationships are a support system. The two of you working together to move towards your future hopes, dreams, plans and goals. A partner should want you to reach your highest potential, to help you become your best self.

“If you’re going to Boston, then you need to get to Boston. If She has a beautiful privet jet, and that jet is going to Hawaii… Well, sadly, you can’t get on that plain. It’s just not heading in the direction you are going…”  – The Humbled Poet –from the “On Purpose with Jay Shetty” podcast

Try to calm the butterfly’s, keep a clear head. Because, when you are considering bringing someone back into your life you need to weigh the consequences. Take an honest assessment of what you’re presently feeling not what you were feeling while you were missing them. Perspective is always the key to, well, everything but more so it is with this decision in particular. Also, I highly recommend that you do not poll your friends. If you have a friend or two who can keep perspective and not be triggered then sure talk it over, but remember this is your life. Only your opinion matters so be honest with yourself. Ask yourself; dose this person push the needle towards what I want for my life or does it pull me away from my goals? Then make that decision for yourself; if your friends really are your friends then they will love you either way. (If they don’t, well I’ll have to cover that in a future post)

Look for future post  “I said No to the date I prayed for 9 years ago.”